My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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