I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We're using joints as your birthday candles
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
