I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
