I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
