I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
