I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
