My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
