does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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