Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
