Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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