Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
