4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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