I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize