doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize