my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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