I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
