sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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