i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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