I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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