Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
