please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
