The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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