Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
