I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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