My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
