Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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