I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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