Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
