Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
