Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
