you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
