TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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