I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If I die, sorry about rent.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
