I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
