it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
