There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
how drunk are you?
Several
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
