I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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