I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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