So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
