I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
