Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
