dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Michael Bay diarrhea
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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