im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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