i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
