Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
