im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
