i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
