You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
