hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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