I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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