everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
