The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
