oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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