I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
BRING THE BAGELS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
