I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why do cheetos always look like penises
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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