i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we're making bets on your personal life
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
