ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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