The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
