did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
