Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
