I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
