The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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