the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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