My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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