: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
