I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
